
I’m not breaking any news when I say that holiday travel can be stressful. But traveling with neurodivergent kids can be especially challenging and dysregulating — and being in a new place only intensifies that. As the dad to a 7-year-old autistic boy, I can tell you that when we are away from home, everything is harder, because everything is different.
“Routines are especially supportive and important for neurodivergent people,” Kira Bender, an occupational therapist and accessibility consultant specializing in working with neurodivergent children and their families, tells Yahoo. “Since the holidays require change, travel and newness, this can be especially stressful for neurodivergent children, even if they really want to participate and join in. Families need to understand that dysregulation is not intentional misbehavior.”
As parents, we can prep our kids for an incoming monsoon of change, but how our relatives support us can be the wild card that keeps us up at night. However, there are a few easy ways you can make your family holiday more inclusive and less stressful for everyone.
Check in ahead of time
The most important thing: If you have family or friends visiting with an autistic (or otherwise neurodiverse) child, check in with the parent or caregiver before their arrival to understand their child's support needs and any possible triggers. It’s called the autism spectrum for a reason — just like neurotypical folks, autistic people are all different, and the support they need differs too.
Reaching out early and asking how you can be helpful is huge, especially since asking for support as a caregiver can be hard. I’m a pretty self-assured parent, and even I struggle with it sometimes. When someone opens up that line of communication, it can relieve pressure you didn’t know you were carrying.
It’s also important to know that some neurodivergent children can have very innocuous triggers. For example, if my son hears, “Are you OK?” in any context, he becomes immediately upset and will bang his head on any surface he can find. When he’s that dysregulated, I have to physically restrain him to keep him from seriously hurting himself. So even though many neurodivergent kids won’t have triggers like this, that’s exactly why it’s a good idea to check.
And listen — we all make mistakes. I’ve absolutely accidentally triggered my son’s self-injurious behavior before, and there’s not much that feels worse than that. But it’s important to give yourself some grace — if for no other reason than that my son is already literally trying to beat himself up and having another person figuratively doing that isn’t helpful. Acknowledge the mistake and move on, so we can help my son do the same.
Before you call, here are a few general tips everyone should know about preparing any sensory-friendly, inclusive event:
Plan for sensory overload
“Family gatherings can be busy, loud and overwhelming for neurodivergent children, which can sometimes result in sensory overload,” says Bender. “If this happens, a break in the festivities or cutting a visit short might be what is needed in order to help the family member reregulate.”
Autism consultant Tiffany Joseph agrees. “Have a quiet and dimmed area that is separate from the festivities, where someone who’s overwhelmed can retreat to and have their nervous system reset,” she tells Yahoo. When you check in, you could also ask what tactics are helpful during a meltdown. For example, sensory items like classic popper toys, fidget spinners and spiky rollers are all tools that can help neurodivergent kids regulate themselves.
Relax your rules about screens
I know that having kids’ heads buried in a screen is the last thing you want during a family gathering. But when everything — from their routine to their environment — is out of their control, having their tablet with their familiar stuff on it gives them something they can control. And that can help keep them regulated. For us, screens are just a part of our routine. We watch the Disney movie Coco every day. (Yes, every day — I have seen it literally a thousand times and could probably give a full Andy Dwyer from Parks and Recreation performance of it if asked to.) So at some point, either on the TV or his iPad, we’re watching Coco.
Screens can also be a child’s augmentative and alternative communication (AAC) device. AACs are wonderful screen-based tools that give nonspeaking autistics a way to communicate beyond just their basic needs. And because the device is quite literally their voice, we never deny them access to it.
Be flexible
We all have visions of what our family holiday would look like, and I know parents of kids with an intellectual disability are especially aware of what coming to terms with a very different vision of parenting looks like. But I can promise you that compromising traditions to accommodate your neurodiverse family members is going to be far more enjoyable and memorable than the inevitable meltdown that will come from forcing something.
“If traditional family gatherings are not a good fit for your family member's support needs at the moment, consider using this as an opportunity to create new family traditions,” says Bender. “Taking a walk or drive together to look at holiday lights, sharing your favorite festive songs or preparing and tasting a traditional treat in a quieter setting are all wonderful ways to celebrate that may be more accessible for your family.”
Flexibility matters when it comes to food too. Whenever we go to someone’s house for a meal, we bring our son’s safe foods because otherwise he just won’t eat. “Don’t feel insulted if they can't eat the same food as someone else,” says Joseph. “They aren't being difficult … it would be the same as asking a typical person to eat foods they think are gross.” Asking ahead of time what those specific safe foods are and having some of them, if possible, so we don’t have to travel with them, is gold star stuff too.
Just as flexibility makes mealtimes easier, the same goes for other routines. For example, we used to struggle with getting bath time started, as my son is also pathological demand avoidant (PDA) presenting, which means there's extreme resistance to anything that feels like a demand, and it's something often seen in autistic kids. Believe it or not, the effective method I found that allows me to make demands of my son (such as telling him it’s bath time) without an adverse reaction is to speak in a gregarious Scottish accent. So while suddenly breaking into a scene from Braveheart might look ridiculous to everyone else, it’s not only normal for us, but it’s also a successful strategy honed and tested over months.
Be kind
There will always be certain family members who can’t help calling out behaviors (or strategies like our bath routine) they perceive as different or weird. Be the family member who points out that different is just as valid. It may seem small, but it’s so important.
One external factor that can make parenting significantly harder is feeling other people’s judgment when trying to mitigate a meltdown. In that moment, a parent’s entire focus should be on implementing tactics to help soothe our child, but if we feel judgment, it only makes the situation worse.
I know this is a lot. But effectively parenting a neurodivergent kid is a lot, and we can use all the support we can get. The good news? You’re already doing the most important thing you can do to support the neurodivergent kids in your life — and that is simply making the effort.
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